It's a Matter of Trust
by Sanaaki
Summary: Angsty romance with Arima and Miyazawa and one of the many trials of their relationship...
1. Default Chapter

It's a Matter of Trust

**It's a Matter of Trust**

** **

Fan fiction (based on characters from Kare Kano) by Sanaaki

(sometime after the anime ended?)

Warning: Lots of angst

** **

           The crowd gathered around the list of test scores.  As always, Yukino's heart beat faster in anticipation.  Searching for her name, she found it on top… tied with Arima…again.  Sighing, she wondered when she would be able to relive that wonderful moment when victory was laid at her feet, when she achieved that pinnacle of success…alone.  As much as she loved him, her competitive spirit refused to accept sharing the spotlight.  Vying for the number one spot was in her nature…it was her destiny.

            "Yukino, good morning!"  Yukino turned around and saw Maho.  Maho looked at the rankings and grimaced in disappointment.  Success was just as important to her as it was to Yukino.  It was something that they had in common and strangely enough bonded them together.  They understood the drive in each other.  Maho wondered if she would always trail behind Yukino.  Just once, she would like to be the one superior.  She had long ago accepted that it was unlikely but it didn't hurt to dream.  "Looks like you guys are even once again."

            "That's okay, he's my boyfriend, it's not that important…"

            "Sure," Maho smiled knowingly.  Yukino couldn't fool her and knew it but she let her pretend.  Maho looked at Yukino and had to admit Yukino and Arima really did make a good couple.  Anyone could see that they were well matched.  It just didn't seem fair that Yukino's life was so perfect.  Popular, smart, capable, ambitious and paired with a guy who was just as amazing if not more so than she was.  It made her sick.

            "Anyway, it's lunchtime, let's go have lunch outside."

            "Okay but don't you have to meet Arima?"

            "Not today, he's tutoring again."  _Again?_

            "Really?  Who?"  Curiosity peaked her interest.  Who was it that could make Arima spend time away from Yukino?

            "Kimi-san."

            "Really?  And you're okay with that?"  She was surprised.  She had heard gossip that Kimi liked Arima.  She wondered if Yukino had heard those rumors too.  She didn't think so, otherwise would Yukino let Arima tutor her?

            "Sure, why wouldn't I be?  He's just tutoring her."  Yukino seemed easy going about the whole thing.  Maybe there really wasn't anything to worry about.

            "Well, Kimi is pretty cute."

            "I trust Arima," Yukino responded confidently.  They continued to walk together.  

Out of the corner of her eye, Yukino caught a glimpse of Arima with Asaba probably going to his tutoring session.  She was about to call out to them but then thought better of it.  She shouldn't interrupt, she would see him later anyway.  It did seem as though Arima spent a lot of time tutoring Kimi but…but he was nice that way and she didn't think he would cheat on her.  She mentally shook herself and forced herself into a happier mood.  Spending time needlessly worrying was time lost from studying, eating, and having fun.  After all, she trusted Arima completely.  "I trust him," she reiterated more strongly.

            "If you say so," shrugged Maho.

            "I do, now let's go eat."

            "Okay."

*******

            Walking together, Asaba looked at Souichiro in astonishment.  "You're supposed to meet Kimi now?"

            "I'm helping her with her studies.  She's not doing well."

            "I see."  Asaba wondered if he should tell Souichiro what everyone knew, that Kimi was in love with him. Souichiro could be so oblivious in matters of the heart…except where Yukino was concerned.  Souichiro's heart totally belonged to Yukino.  It might not even be worth mentioning and burdening Souichiro unnecessarily.  Kimi might not even try to do anything to win Souichiro's heart.  Knowing  Kimi, unlikely.

            He couldn't let it rest, "You know…rumors are going around…"

            "What are you saying?"

            "About Kimi…"

            "Huh?"

            "She likes you." Souichiro didn't seem too surprised.  But then, he was used to having girls like him.

            "It doesn't matter, we're just friends." Souichiro seemed to think that that was the end of the story.  "I have a girlfriend already."

            "That doesn't stop a person's feelings."

            "Don't be so ridiculous, Asapin."

            "Just telling you to be careful, Souichiro.  Yukino may have heard that gossip as well."

            "She trusts me."  _And she knows I love her._  Arima thought about Asaba's warning.  Didn't he know?  There was no room in his heart and soul for anyone else.  Sometimes the depth of his emotion frightened him.  Other guys looking at her, talking to her brought forth feelings of helplessness and barely restrained jealously.  It was a constant battle to keep his feelings in check.  Losing her was just not an option.  Even now, he wanted to be with her but it was better this way, healthier to distance himself at times.  He had to do his own thing.  It helped him keep things in perspective, it helped him keep the risk of losing himself totally in her at a minimum.  Besides, Kimi really did seem to need his help.  He just couldn't let her down.  He couldn't let anyone down…

******

            "I'm going to confess to him today," Kimi whispered to Saori.

            "Really?"

            "I can't hold it in anymore."

            "He has a girlfriend."

            "I know but I think he cares about me.  He spends a lot of time with me and he's so kind."

            "But Kimi…"

            "Don't worry, Saori, it will work out, Arima will be mine…"

*******

            "So that's how you do it!"  

            "Yes.  Anyway, I think lunchtime is almost over so why don't we end it here…"

            "Okay…" They started gathering their things together.  She looked at him.  He was so cool and so nice.  Her emotions were bursting at the seams.  This was the moment, it was now or never.

            "Arima-kun…" she began, tentatively.

            "Yes?"  He turned to look at her.  Her heart turned over.  He really was beautiful.

            "I…I…" she stuttered, all of a sudden at a loss for words and courage to express her feelings.

"Yes?"   He looked at her expectantly.

"I…I love you!" she finally blurted out.  He stared at her in surprise.

            "Kimi-chan!"

            "It's true, I love you!" 

            "Kimi-chan…"  He felt awkward.  "Kimi-chan, I have a girlfriend…"

            "I know you care about me!!" she interrupted passionately.

            He didn't know what she wanted him to say.  He felt cornered.

            "You do care for me, don't you?"

            He saw her stricken eyes, clinging desperately to hope.  How was he going to let her down?  He hated these kinds of scenes.  Every time he had to deal with it, he felt so detached, unemotional, but…but he didn't want to discount their strong feelings.  Kimi's feelings seemed especially strong.  She didn't seem to get the message.  So Asaba was right.  He had suspicions about Kimi's feelings but pretended not to notice.  He had hoped having a girlfriend would discourage girls from approaching him.  Did others still approach Miyazawa?  Did they confess to her just as Kimi was confessing to him?  Were they hoping to steal her away from him?  He closed his eyes at the thought, unwanted emotions invading him.

             "Arima-kun…?" Startled, he opened his eyes.  He had momentarily forgotten where he was and what was happening.

             "Kimi-chan, I have a girlfriend," he tried again to make her see and let her down gently.  Tears started to stream down her cheeks.  He took out his handkerchief and tried to give it to her.  She refused to take it and cried even harder.  Suddenly, she grabbed his uniform with two hands and stared up at him tearfully.  He put his hands on hers to detach her from him but she held on even tighter.

             "You have a girlfriend, so what? What's so good about her?  You and me, we get along so well…I know I love you more than she ever will!  She doesn't care about you the way I do.  All I can think about is you!  She doesn't need you!"  She shook him as her words evoked a familiar fear deep in his heart.  Did she know how her words cut into him?  He put his hands on her shoulders about to push her away from him.

            "Kimi-chan," he said gently although his patience was beginning to wear thin, "I'm not the one for you.  You'll find someone else."

            "I don't want anyone else, I only want you!!"  She looked at him, love blazing intensely in her eyes.  She was much more passionate than the girls he was used to.  Handling her would take more of an effort…

            "Kimi-chan…"

*******

            "Maho, I'm going to look for Arima, to tell him that I can't go home with him after all since we have those club activities…"

            "Okay, see you in class then…"

            Yukino started towards the area where Arima was tutoring Kimi.  She just wanted an excuse to be with him.  She missed him.  They were always so busy with school and extracurricular activities that they hardly saw one another these days.  She looked forward to seeing him.  She hoped she could catch him in time.  As she rounded the corner, she did catch sight of him.  But…but not as she imagined. His hands on Kimi's shoulders, Kimi looking up at him with love in her eyes, he looking down at her, Kimi holding onto him tightly,  Kimi reaching up, Kimi putting her arms around Arima's neck, Kimi pulling him towards her and most of all Kimi kissing him.

 Yukino reacted with a small sound, shock.  They both turned and saw her.  Shock also marred their faces, exactly mirroring her own.  No one moved for what seemed like an eternity.  Reality came crashing down on her and motion became her solace.

 "Yukino!"  How ironic that he chose that moment to call her by her given name.  Pain reached deep inside her and squeezed her soul.  Tears burned her eyes, blinding her to the life she knew.  She ran past a surprised Maho, into the girl's bathroom and hid herself in one of the stalls.  Sinking to the floor, she leaned her forehead against the door, closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around herself tightly.

*******

             Kimi hung on to him around his waist tightly refusing to let him go.  "Let go of me!"  Desperation punctuated his words.  This couldn't be happening.  He had to go after her.    Finally, he made a decision and pushed Kimi off him roughly, she fell to the floor and he ran towards the school.  He saw Asaba.

            "Asapin, have you seen Miyazawa?" A fear he had never known before clenched his heart.

            "Souichiro, are you okay?"

            "Please, just tell me, have you seen her?"

            "N-no…but…" He started to turn away when Asaba grabbed his arm.  "What happened?"  Words failed him momentarily.  This slice in time allowed him to recognize what he wanted to shut out. Were the walls crumbling down around him?  Had he known this would happen, that his happiness would become elusive once again?  "You're scaring me, Souichiro.  You've got a strange look in your eyes…"

            Desperation.  "I-I can't talk right now, I have to find her…" He ran down hallways, looked into classrooms and couldn't find her anywhere.  Maybe he would see her in class, the next one was shop, he didn't have it with her but after that, surely he would see her and put everything right.

*******

            "Yukino, what's the matter?"  Maho's voice echoed in the bathroom.

            Collecting herself, Yukino slowly opened the stall door.  "Maho…"

            "Tell me…" Maho's eyes were wide with concern.  "I've never seen you like this before.  What happened?"

            "Maho…" She ran into her comforting arms and cried.  A while later, Yukino felt more like herself, better after crying herself out although she knew deep down that there were still tears left in her heart.  

            "So tell me what happened…"

            " I saw her kiss him…"

            "Kimi?"

            "Yes."  Maho didn't seem surprised.  "You knew about this?"

            "Well, I heard gossip that Kimi was in love with Arima…"

            "I see…"

            "Don't jump to any conclusions, Yukino."

            "Maho, I don't know what to do."

            "Love is often like this.  Things get confused.  You should talk to each other.  Find out what's going on."

            "I…I don't know if I can.  I feel so hurt, vulnerable.  I don't know what to think.  I know what I saw with my own eyes.  He let her kiss him.  He had his arms on her and she on him.  What can he say to that?  There's nothing he can say.  I saw what I saw, Maho."

 "Don't you trust him?"

            "I do…but I know what I saw.  I was thinking about it.  Why?  Why would he kiss someone else?  And I thought, maybe he doesn't love me anymore.  Maybe he didn't want to hurt me and so didn't tell me.  Maybe he didn't know how to tell me.  If that's it, then it's better this way, that I found out the truth.  It's better for me to find out the truth.  I don't want to live a lie.  Yes, that's right. I won't live a lie."  A renewed sense of will infused her.  She would not be a coward.  She would face the truth as much as it hurt her.  It was the only thing that made sense.  He was afraid to hurt her.  She needed to find the courage to let him go.  Arima was a good person.  He never wanted to hurt anyone.  

            "I think you should talk to him before you make any hasty decisions…"

            "He would only try to tell me what I want to hear…I have to be the one to set him free.  He would only try to do the right thing.  I thought that one day this might be a possibility.  That he would no longer need me," her voice broke, "I just didn't know it would be this soon…"  Tears once again illuminated her eyes.  Maho put an arm around her.  

            "If you're sure…you're the only one who knows your relationship with him.  If you think that's what's going on, then I'll support you, whatever you do."

            She looked at Maho and was never more glad to have a friend to confide in then she was at this moment.  "Thank you," grabbing both her hands, "Thank you, Maho, I don't know what I would have done without you."  They smiled at each other.  Friendship was still a new thing to them both.

*******

            He willed her to look at him.  She came at the very last moment before class started.  What was going on in her mind?  He would never understand her brilliant eccentric mind.  It made it so much harder to figure out what she was thinking.  She didn't look his way.  He couldn't focus on what the teacher was saying.  What was he going to say to her?  What would he have to say to make her believe him?  He couldn't lose her, not now, not ever.  He looked up and caught Maho turned around in her seat and staring at him.  She quickly looked away.  What was that look in her eyes?  Pity, anger?  He couldn't read her expression just as he couldn't read Miyazawa's expression.  Class ended.  He hurriedly gathered his books so that he could get to Miyazawa as soon as possible.  Just as he left the class and was just about to catch her arm, Kimi came between them.  

            "Arima-kun, there you are!!" 

 Miyazawa turned and looked at him over Kimi's shoulder and then turned back to walk away.

            "Miya…"  He tried to get past Kimi but she stepped in front of him again.  He couldn't avoid her without making a scene.  Students surrounded them everywhere.  "Kimi-chan, this isn't a good time…"

            "Arima-kun, I just wanted to talk to you…"

            "Ah, Souichiro-kuuuun, I neeeeeeed you!!!" Asaba came in his usual merry way and took his arm, waving and winking at the stunned Kimi, as he ushered Arima away.  

            When they were out of hearing distance, Arima sighed a breath of relief and turned to Asaba gratefully.  "Thanks, Asapin."

             "No problem, she's a persistent one.  Why can't I have a girl like that chasing after me…?" Asaba sighed wistfully.

             Arima gave him a  look of incredulity.  "You're kidding, right?"  This guy had more girls chasing him than he knew what to do with.

             "Joking, joking.  Jeez, you really need to lighten up sometimes…anyway, so what's going on with Yukino?"  Arima looked over at Miyazawa already seated with her girlfriends surrounding her.  A missed chance to clear things up.  Kimi's interruption could only have worsened the situation.  It was then that he noticed that a couple of guys were around her too.  Were they already beginning to sense opportunity?  He sought to calm himself.  He was being overly paranoid.  It wasn't as if they were broken up.  It was just a misunderstanding.  He wanted to go over there but the timing just wasn't right.  He didn't want others to hear what he had to say.  He didn't even know what he wanted to say.  "Well?"

            "Nothing."

            "Nothing?"  Asaba's voice laced with disbelief.

            "Nothing that can't be cleared up."  Except that it wasn't cleared up.  For the next several days, somehow, Miyazawa had managed to avoid him and Kimi had managed to be there with him at every inopportune moment.  Miyazawa was definitely avoiding his calls.  Their school activities managed to keep them apart after school.  During school, she was always with her girlfriends.  It was as if there was a conspiracy.  Today was the last day before the weekend.  He had to absolutely talk to her. Absolutely. He waited for her after school. They both didn't have any school activities today.  She wouldn't be able to avoid him.  He kept his eyes on the students trickling home.  He finally saw her and was about to hurry towards with her when he realized that she was walking towards him.  

            "Miyazawa…" he called, relief that he would be able to finally explain and get things cleared up washed over him.  A week in the life of a high school student was such a long time, too much time had passed without things being set right.  He hoped they would recover.

            "Arima…"  She looked at him and smiled.  She was so beautiful.  It felt as though her smile made his heart skip a beat.  "I guess we need to talk."  They walked and ended up in the classroom where he had first opened up to her about his feelings about his family.  The sun was setting as it had that day, the brilliant hues of orange, yellow and red flickered throughout the room.

 "Miyazawa, what you saw wasn't what it seemed…I was comforting her."

            She was too calm.  Too accepting.  She was looking out the window at the sunset.

            "She was upset?"

            "Umm…yes."  He felt weird talking about it. 

            "What about?"  How would she react?  Should he tell her?  It was embarrassing.

            "Umm…well…"

            "She liked you."  It was a statement.  So she already knew.

            "Miyazawa…"

            "It's okay, Arima," she looked at him then.  "You can't help it.  It's not your fault."  She forgave him, happiness washed over him his heart suddenly felt lighter, relief overcame him.

            "I tried to tell her I had a girlfriend and that I couldn't be the one for her…she wouldn't accept…" his voice trailed off as he realized that Miyazawa wasn't really listening to him or looking at him.

            "Arima…"

            "Yes?"

            "I don't think we should see each other anymore…"

             To be continued…


	2. Chapter 2

It's a Matter of Trust

**It's a Matter of Trust**

** **

Fan fiction (based on characters from Kare Kano) by sanaaki

(sometime after the anime ended?)

Thanks for the comments guys.Would you believe I forgot I had this lying around unfinished?Gomen, gomen for taking so long… been busy with my kodocha site/translation project and other stuff.:P 

Standard disclaimers apply here.A fanfiction based on the characters from Kare Kano by Tsuda Masami

**Chapter 2**

Had it been just a month ago?An eternity ago when his life became a never-ending nightmare.He looked out the window and saw her.She was sitting on the grass, several guys and girls laughing together with her.Aya, Rika, Maho, Tsubakiand Tsubasa all there as usual.Guys always seemed to be around them now.After all, the girls were mostly single, available and fair game.Especially Miyazawa._Miyazawa_.She went on with her life as though they never were.Meanwhile, he could hardly function.He went through the motions but his heart couldn't bear it.She had broken it off with him, telling him that she didn't think she had the same feelings for him as she had before and that they should cool it.He had stood there frozen in shock. Paralyzed.He hadn't even attempted to argue, to speak.All his fears, his nightmares had been realized.She hadn't look at him then.And then she had gone.

He still hoped that they would get back together.It was the only thing keeping him going, clinging to that small thread that hung between them.He just had to figure out how.He knew he was lucky in that Miyazawa was so self-absorbed and not at all interested in any of the guys that came out of the woodworks to chase her when it became common knowledge that they had broken up.And out of the woodworks they did come.Girls were confessing to him again too, just like in the days before Miyazawa.Oh, they were still friends but it wasn't the same.There was a faraway look in her eyes whenever they were together, remote and distant.He had to make her love him again.Without a doubt, he had to have her back.Kimi had damaged his relationship with Miyazawa and he hated her for it.Even though Miyazawa had put the blame on something else, he knew better as time went on and his head grew clear.Kimi was afraid of him now.He knew it was because of the look of hatred that came into his eyes every time he laid eyes on her.He couldn't help the surge of hatred that infested his soul.After all, it was said that the eyes were the windows of the soul and he was no exception.

As though she sensed him, she looked his way.Had she really meant it?Were they really broken up?Was this really the end?She stared at him for a moment then went back to talking with her friends._He had to have her back. _

***

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him again, staring at her.She found him doing that a lot.What was he thinking?What was going on in his head?Why couldn't she forget him?It took a lot of effort to be natural with him.They were constantly being thrown together.Losing her best friend…that's something she had never wanted.The chance of grasping love had been too tempting at the time and now she had nothing.It took all her effort to fall back on those acting skills that had once been second nature to her.She hated herself for going back to those old ways but weren't they a part of her?Surely it was ok in this case.It was for survival.She buried herself in her life and tried to forget the emptiness that threatened to pull the soul out of her.Inside her lay a cracked heart of her own making.Pulling the blade of grass out of the ground, she twisted it around her finger.She had to move on.She couldn't second guess herself._But it doesn't seem like he's with Kimi.Had she been wrong?_She shook her head as if to rid herself of unbidden thoughts.Wishful thinking… he probably didn't want to hurt her by turning around and going out with someone else right away.

"Hey Yukino, are you okay?"Maho looked at her with concern._Thank god she had good friends to help her._

"Great…I'm fine.Anyway, I have lots of studying to do, I'm going to the library so I can catch up," she said, getting up and brushing herself off.She had to pull herself together.

***

"Yo!" Asaba called out to him from down below.Tonami was with him.

"Arima-kun…" Things were still not quite right between them.He couldn't help the resentment he still felt towards Tonami. 

"I made lunch for you today…"

"Asapin…Gomen, I'm not hungry…"

"Souichiro-kuuun…"

"I have something to do…" He was in no mood for company.He moved away from the window.

***

He knew this place well. Sakura trees. A sudden breeze disturbed the blossoms creating a blanket of beauty.This was the only place that gave him any sense of peace.Here, he could forget.Forget the peace he had once possessed with Miyazawa.He didn't know what to do anymore.He sat down and leaned against the tree.He wished the sakura could invade his body and infuse it with peace eternally.He wished he had never met her.Then he could have gone on never knowing any better.Wouldn't anything have been better then this pain?No it had been worth it.He just had to keep believing.It was just a matter of time when they would be together again.

***

After school, walking towards the entrance, she hesitated when she saw Arima standing there.A couple of girls were talking to him.Beautiful, she thought.She would never get tired of looking at him.He saw her and smiled.Her heart stopped._She couldn't do this._She smiled back.Not saying a word, she gave him a nod and hurriedly walked past them._She couldn't do this.__She couldn't do this._ Once outside the gate, she leaned against the wall.Closing her eyes, she let out the breath she didn't know she had been holding in._I'm okay, she thought._It wasn't as if they hadn't spoken since then.Why was she still having so much trouble being around him?

***

Disappointment crowded him as she walked past him without saying anything to him."Um, so she wanted to confess her feelings to you…" He looked at the girls before him.More confessions.Why?He was a guy who couldn't even hold onto his girlfriend.He wasn't worthy of her.She deserved better than him.But…but he couldn't let her go.The never-ending nightmare – it wouldn't stop.It had to be her.He couldn't think of anyone else but her.He bowed his head, "I'm sorry."The girl before him looked crushed and she turned and ran off.The other girl soon followed._It had to be her._He thought back to the times they spent together.Holding her close to him.The feeling of being one with her.The euphoria that surrounded him when he was with her.Loneliness an unfamiliar feeling when he was with her._It had to be her._

He turned to walk home.She was still there leaning back against the wall, eyes closed.How he wanted to hold her close to him.He started to walk towards her, what he would say to her, he had no idea.

"Miyazawa…." Someone else was approaching her.He stopped.She opened her eyes.She smiled at the guy.

"Sorry, I was just resting…"

"That's ok – hope I didn't keep you waiting too long…?"

"No, I haven't been here too long…"

"Ok then let's go…"

"Ok..."

What was that about?Did she have a new boyfriend?_No!!_ He followed them at a distance.They were laughing.That guy was walking her home.At the train station, he rushed into the next car and tried to see them through the window panes between the cars. The trains were crowded.They were very close to each other.

It was getting dark.That guy hadn't come out yet.Her family was home.He stood outside her gates, tense, a terrible ache striking every cell in his body.He had stood there for several hours.The chill in his heart coming not from the weather but from the depths of his fear._She belonged to him._

He finally came out.Miyazawa was at the entrance also.She smiled at him, cute as always.The guy finally left.He was torn.Torn between running up to her and confronting her and the urge to follow him…

Arima stood out there long after he had left.Stared at her house as if to try to discern the truth.An elderly man walking by asked him if he was okay.He replied with a sickly smile and shook himself out of his trance.He began walking home.Step… step.Left foot, right foot, left foot.He was in his bed.He didn't even know how he had gotten home.Curled up in his bed, he gripped the sheets.The never-ending nightmare continued. He squeezed his eyes shut, arms clasping his head tightly. _You thought you could be happy… _The sheets billowed above him and landed softly covering him completely._You thought you could be happy… _

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

It's a Matter of Trust

It's a Matter of Trust

Fan fiction (based on characters from Kare Kano) by sanaaki

(sometime after the anime ended?)

Standard disclaimers apply here.A fanfiction based on the characters from Kare Kano by Tsuda Masami

**Chapter 3**

**********

He came to class.Everyone was already there.He sat down.Asapin came over to join him.People were giving him side glances.He tried to ignore them.

Then the whispering began.The whispering.There was always the whispering.He couldn't stand the whispering anymore.Arima tried to ignore their voiced suspicions.He had to keep from flinching with pain with every comment.Asapin tried to occupy him with inane conversation.It didn't help.The combined whispers drowned out the loud voice of his always genki friend.

"Wonder what happened to them?They made a really good looking couple."

"Yeah they did…you think maybe I should confess to her now…"

"Well I wouldn't be surprised if she already has a new boyfriend…"

"Yeah but we don't know for sure…" 

Miyazawa came in then.The whispers died off.Several girls then surrounded her and began chattering away.He tried to hear what they were saying but the classroom suddenly came alive with gossip about other people.Several guys came over to him.

They looked uncomfortable.

"What is it?" he questioned them cautiously.Asapin stood at his side watching.

"Um, Arima-kun…we were wondering… is it really over between you and Miyazawa…?"He looked at them.Then at her.He could trust his feelings.Could he trust hers?

They were still waiting for an answer.What should he say?He could laugh it off.He could be the perfect ex-boyfriend.The good guy that everyone expected.But that would be signing them off.Was he his own worst enemy?Struggle tightened his heart.Whatever he said would destine them to an immutable fate.He looked over at her.He loved her still.Was there ever a choice?He looked back at his captive audience.

"Is it over?" One of them repeated the question as if he hadn't heard it.

"Come on guys, leave him alone…" Asapin began covering for him.

_He couldn't lose her…not now, not ever.___

"No," he interrupted raising his hand to stop Asapin from continuing.

"No," he announced abruptly, pinning them down with an uncharacteristic stare. "It's far from over.It will never be over."He stood up, his chair clattering to the floor.Surprised at the sudden outburst from the perfect student, startled heads turned in his direction.Hers flamed into his memory.He stared at her.She looked back at him and frowned.They stared at each other, uncaring of what others thought.Feeling the tremble begin from within, he broke the glance that connected their souls.He had to get out of there. Without a second glance, he left the room before it closed in on him.

He didn't know how he managed to get there but he found himself in the bathroom.Drowning his face as he had been doing many times of late.He stared at the mirror.A different visage faced him.Darkness clouded his eyes mirroring once again that which warred within.Shadows marred his face.Water trickled down mingling with … with his tears?_Was he crying?_He touched his dampened face wonderingly.He laughed.It wasn't enough though.There would never be enough water to submerge his turmoiled dirty soul.He lifted his right hand.He stared at it.It trembled.His left hand slowly moved to gently touch his right hand then squeezed it tightly, painfully.Suddenly, he let go and smashed his fist into the mirror, shattering it.He looked curiously at his left hand, watched the blood seep out of his hand into the sink.

_No, it was never going to be over…_

**********

"Nooooooooo!!!" Maho tried to escape but strong hands pulled her back.

"Come on, it'll be fun…"

"Nooooooooo!!! Let me go!!Leave me out of this!!!"Maho practically screamed.

"Pleeeeeease?I was so lonely and outcast before … that was such a miserable time for me …" Yukino lamented, looking downcast and pathetic.Maho looked at Yukino and crumbled.Yukino really knew how to put the squeeze on her.

"Fine," she sighed, she knew she lost.

***********

She walked home in the dark.Her activities often ran late.She had never worried too much before.Now things were different.She felt tense, an eerie feeling touching her skin.It felt as though… as though someone were watching her.She looked around surreptitiously. She tried to shrug off the feeling.What was going on with her?She laughed to herself.Was she going crazy now?This was ridiculous.Was it because she was alone now?When did she get used to them being together?She always walked alone before.Now… what was this feeling of need?She could stand alone.She braced her shoulders.After all , she was Miyazawa Yukino, a woman of power and grace under pressure.She smiled. Yes, that's the spirit.That's who she was and she shouldn't forget it.She laughed.But still… she looked around again.She just couldn't help feeling something …

**********

He came home as usual.

They sat at the dinner table as usual.

Polite and reserved as usual.

He didn't know how to change things.He thought back to the times he spent with Miyazawa's family.How he wished he could be free and open.That was the way families were meant to be.And here he was, feeling like a stranger in his own house.He looked at his aunt and uncle.They were such good people.Yet he still felt empty.He would do anything for them but … his feelings felt so dead inside.What would it take?_Miyazawa._Why did things always come back to her?He looked down unseeingly into his food.He lost his appetite.Nothing tasted the same anymore.It was as if the world had became grey for him, flavorless, odorless.Doing anything took so much effort.He was slowly falling apart.He had to do something, something soon.He looked at his injured hand wrapped in the bandage.He then looked upon the pair that took care of him.He had to be perfect for them but perfection seemed even more remote now then it had before.He closed his eyes.But that wasn't how it was suppose to be.Miyazawa told him he could be himself.That's right.They would love him whether or not he was perfect.He missed her.

He opened his eyes.The reality was much harder to swallow.The kind faces of his aunt and uncle swam before him.Other faces, cruel faces, blurred before him._Nothing he did was ever good enough.He was always wrong.HE was never good enough_._He would never be good enough._

"Souchiro…" He refocused.The darkness threatening to blacken his world momentarily shadowed.He found this happening to him more and more.He mentally tried to pull himself together.Block those once distant memories.He bit the inside of his lip.He could taste the blood.He brushed his fingers through his hair._Relax._

Routine.Routine saved him.The routine was always the same.Today would be no different.He hung on to that.Routine.

"How was school today?"

"Fine."That was always his answer.

"How was kendo?"

"Fine."It was the only answer.

"That's good."

"What happened to your hand?"_This… this wasn't routine._

"Souchirou…."

"Yes?"

"What happened to your hand?"

"Oh it was just an accident.I accidentally broke some beakers in chemistry and cut my hand when I was trying to clean up."_A lie.This wasn't routine._

"You should be more careful…"

"Yes I'll try."A sense of foreboding began to permeate his being.Why did he feel like this?_This wasn't routine._

"Souchirou…"

No… 

"Yes?"

"We found out some news today…"

_No…This wasn't routine._

"We have something to tell you…."

_No!!! This wasn't routine._

He tried to look at them normally, expectantly._No, please, no_._Not now._They looked at each other before turning to look at him again, worry lining their faces.Irrational dread washed over him.His pulse felt like as though it were slowing down to a standstill.He couldn't breathe.Action floated into slow motion._Miyazawa.Miyazawa, where are you?I need you.Help me…_His mouth went dry, his throat constricted, his fingers gripped tightly piercing into his palms lying deceptively still on his lap.He knew.He knew what they were going to say._Miyazawa…help me…_

"Souchiro…your parents have come back for you…."

TBC


End file.
